Do Kids Belong at a Wedding?

db August 26, 2012 at 01:09 pm

It would have been unthinkable to me and my husband not to have children at our wedding. My 13 nieces and nephews were excited to see their new uncle officially become part of the family, and it would have broken their hearts to be excluded. We had kids from as young as ten days old up to sixteen years. They were well-behaved and looked adorable out on the dance floor.
Yes, we couldn't invite some adults we may have otherwise invited, but the kids are family, and for us there was never even a question of whether they belonged at a family event.

Judith Hall August 26, 2012 at 01:13 pm

I'm not sure why this is even a question. Of course they should be invited. A sense of family is a key part of any child's development and weddings are fun way to help with this. If your venue is to expensive to include all your family members then choose one you can afford to have everyone attend. I've always maintained that its the company not the destination that really matters!

Regina DiLabbio Klugh King August 26, 2012 at 02:00 pm

With all the problems facing us in today's world, can this question be taken seriously? Weddiings are now highly orchestrated stage productions not necessarily all about the vows but rather the pomp, circumstance & moola. Let's face it. Kids at best are annoying. There are some who shouldn't even be taken to supermarkets, exhibiting the worst of their freedom of speech, individual expressions or whining self centeredness. But that's the way kids are wired! If they can frustrate, exasperate or torture you, they will! They need to learn their limitations; dragging them to a formal church & fancy-schmanzy culturally correct high-priced spread isn't the place for teaching them how to ascend the throne of the British Empire! I remember some high flying, whoopi-do-dah community hitchings in my past where kids could mingle in the joy of adults who were welcoming the new duo into their state of marital bliss/misery & a good time was had by all! If spaghetti & wine stains hit the bride's gown, a little seltzer water did the trick -- no one was scarred for life by getting their $750 shoes stomped on while dancing the polka with Uncle George. (I'd rather hear debate on the obnoxious archaic rituals of throwing of the garter & bouquet, cake-smashing in faces & their stupidity than about worries extended to Junior loading his diaper or throwing an up-chucking temper tantrum at the reception). I've been married enough times to be considered an expert on the subject!

Just me August 26, 2012 at 04:39 pm

Depends on the wedding ... my kids have been to many weddings and depending on the event it was either great (a low key, day time, family filled event) or awful (an evening, formal event).

Mel B August 26, 2012 at 05:13 pm

Most weddings are adult events. There are usually lots of intoxicated people there. It's an inappropriate and often unsafe place for children to be. Would you take your kids to a bar? (hopefully not!) Same rules should apply for weddings where alcohol is served. But ultimately, it's up to the bride and the groom.

Lorbee August 26, 2012 at 07:40 pm

Tony is right. Italians referred to them as "football weddings." Wish they'd come back. My aunt and uncle were married at the Llanerch Fire Company about 60 yrs. ago. I can actually remember that wedding, and was literally just shy of 4 yrs. old and I can still remember my uncle picking me up to dance with me, the live band playing and the tables full of roast beef and potato salad and everyone was so joyful and partying. It's a lovely fond memory and the simple wedding we've gone to recently have always been MUCH more fun than the 'over the top' lavish affairs with casts of thousands. Now they are affairs in which everyone tries to outdo the other, the fees as you said per head are so exorbitant--coupled with the instances in which the parents are not always conscientious in keeping their children under control. Not all parents, but some. If you paid 6 figures or close to it for a wedding, would you want to have screaming babies interfering with your wedding video or children running wild at a reception? It's become the norm to exclude them since you can't single out the child who is a holy terror but include the sweet and mild mannered kids.

Lorbee August 26, 2012 at 08:00 pm

Regina, your letter made me nearly spit out my dinner from laughing!!! You are hilarious--and sadly, VERY correct on all points. We went to a cousin's wedding a few yrs. ago and had to wait more than an hr. for the bride and groom to arrive since they were getting their elaborate pics taken elsewhere--and then these blaring lights were set up all around the reception hall, awaiting their arrival. We said we felt like we were 'extras' on a movie set. If you believe me or not, I'm telling the truth when I tell you this was a a club in another state and there were men dressed up as Beefeaters (English garb) that blew their horns as every guest's cars pulled up. I was mortified. You are so right. If they concentrated more on the wedding and less on all the glitz (or that newly created word that makes my skin crawl, i.e., "bling") there would be far fewer couples experiencing serious post-wedding letdown--let it go back to being more about the church, the ceremony and the marriage! Oh and that cake smash-in-the-face makes me sick. What was started out to be a lovely tradition whose indication was that you would always love and "feed" each other turned into a mean-spirited excuse for some passive aggressive behavior.

Rosetreeme August 26, 2012 at 08:36 pm

Parents often forget about their children after a few cocktails. I saw more than one child run into a waiter carrying trays of drinks. And the broken glass went all over the dance floor. I have seen children almost knock over other guests when the bouquet or garter is tossed. Come on! Parents are being selfing expecting their children to attend. It's the bride's day, and whatever the bride wants goes.

SpringMom August 26, 2012 at 09:03 pm

Depends on the couple, the joint families, the number of kids in your families... there is not write or wrong. We are a "big" family in the sense that we grew up close (distance/emotionally) to extended family. Therefore, kids were always invited. Grown now with kids of my own, I wouldn't be upset if someone invited us to a wedding and specified "no kids." Their day, their way. I will say that I was extremely touched when we were invited to a wedding of a former student and they included our children. In fact, they had a special kids table set up in the back of the reception complete with crafts, coloring, kid-friendly snacks and more. I can't tell you who had more fun... us or the kids! We didn't worry about them all night trying to keep them entertained. No tears, no drama... all the kids whether they knew each other beforehand or not, had fun together. They didn't get in the way and I saw many an adult folding origami and paper airplanes with the kids. It was festive and fun and a real treat for both the kids and the parents!

Lorbee August 26, 2012 at 09:26 pm

I think it would be so lovely if you could say 'sure, bring your children" but if you watch any of the wedding shows on TLC or elsewhere on the tube, I can say rather certainly that the consensus of most of these brides want to "feel like a princess" and be the center of attention and long to feel like a rock star for a day. These brides aren't going to be interested in accommodating little kids with entertainment. And for many of the parents, the opportunity to enjoy some adult interaction and having the wedding be a "child free" event for them is welcoming. I know many who feel lucky if they can get someone to take care of their children for a day or to attend an overnight hotel wedding somewhere, and have a few drinks without having to worry about driving. I agree with the poster earlier who said they've seen children running into waiters, etc., but children do get really happy and excited at the prospect of being out on the dance floor and "taking center stage." Loud music and wide open spaces are really appealing to little kids! Alot of parents may think the guests will find their children as adorable as they do. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to be as charmed and appreciate parents exhibiting the gentle beginnings of teaching their child social graces.

Misty August 26, 2012 at 10:46 pm

It is very simple, if my children are not good enough to attend your wedding/reception then save yourself a stamp and invitation......there will be no hard feelings.....I will not attend......enjoy your day and have fun and trust me my family and I will be just fine.
I agree with Tony.....we need to have good old fashion weddings and stop trying to out do the next couple.....to the bride and groom, you need to realize that if you invite family to attend your wedding/reception you have now added an extra expense to the parents, especially if there is no one left within your extended family that you haven't invited to watch the children of those you did invite, and in this day, who can you really trust to care for your children. So unfortunately we will not be attending.

JRS125 August 27, 2012 at 01:43 am

If you bring a child to a wedding (which we plan on doing in a few months, he will be 15 months at the time), be prepared to leave if there's a problem. It shouldn't be that big of a surprise if he has a meltdown because he's up way past his bedtime, therefore just leave with him. If he starts crying during the ceremony, walk out and come back afterwards, no big deal. I never had children at my wedding other than teenagers, but they would have been invited if people had wanted to bring them. Parents should make sure they are constantly responsible for their children at a wedding, bottom line.

JRS125 August 27, 2012 at 01:45 am

Also, if it's a family wedding, you're more likely to find people to entertain your child or "babysit" him while you and your significant other grab a drink alone. But a friend's wedding where I don't feel like constantly monitoring him? I'm finding a babysitter at my own house while I enjoy a night out.

Anthony Wayne August 27, 2012 at 02:06 am

It's all about the bride, every time. Let her decide who comes.

JEFFREY August 27, 2012 at 07:30 am

Regarding whether or not to take children with you to a wedding, there are several things to consider. One is if the invitation did not specifically say one way or the other and you would like to take them, you should ask the person sending the invitation if it includes children of that age. If you already know you do not want to take them, you just show up without them. If they reply YES to that question, then you absolutely can take them. Just let them know how many adults and how many children would be attending when you RSVP. Be sure to take some of the children's items if they are very young.

JEFFREY August 27, 2012 at 07:41 am

I think this response is saying that according to TV shows, a bride who wants to be the center of attention and not have little kiddies running around reeking havoc and getting attention should be specific on the invitation that children under a certain age should not be attending. I would not assume that an invitation addressed to Mr. & Mrs. John Doe would include children of any age. If it was addressed to Mr. & Mrs. John Doe and Family, then I would assume that any of my children would be included. If you have any doubts, contact the bride or their representative. Still, I would be sure to take what ever necessary to pre-occupy said child during the ceremony and / or reception.

JEFFREY August 27, 2012 at 07:50 am

If your invitation is addressed to you only and not "and family", you should not be offended or offset that the invitation is just for you. Many families consider their wedding is for the adult/s mentioned one the invitation only. Closer relatives who are inviting children want to share their special day with the entire family. Business associates or other adults whom you interact with normally are inviting just you. They may be having their own young children or other close family members with young children attending and may or may not want outside friends' children attending. You really need to know and respond with courtesy, as to clarify that information. By telephone, is normally a satisfactory mode of communication.

JEFFREY August 27, 2012 at 07:54 am

Very good response. If the invitation is only addressed to Mr.& Mrs. John Doe, than do not assume you should take your young children. If it's for close family, then let the bridal party know you are intending to bring your baby. If they object, then the burdon of telling you falls on them.

JEFFREY August 27, 2012 at 08:01 am

It is not a question who decides. The question is how the invitation is worded whether the bride decides either way. Also, to reply correctly with "Mr. & Mrs. John Doe" or "Mr. & Mrs. John Doe and family" will be attending. Give the number of Adults and number of young aged children who are attending.

Lorbee August 27, 2012 at 01:32 pm

Bottom line: if the invitation is to "Mr. and Mrs." or "Mr. so and so and GUEST" then those are the ADULTS they intend to see at the wedding. It would be completely rude, distasteful and embarassing to the bridal couple to call and actually ASK THEM if children are invited. And showing up with your children when clearly they are not invited is so completely ignorant I wouldn't even know how to react. If they meant for you to bring you child or children the invitation would clearly indicate "Mr. and Mrs. so and so AND FAMILY" or "AND CHILDREN." If it doesn't say that, then know it is NOT an oversight. If it doesn't say that, then do NOT call them and ask and do NOT assume it is ok to tote the kiddies along. If you are offended by not having your children invited then please, do the bridal couple a favor and decline the invitation.

Harriet Laurin August 28, 2012 at 01:44 pm

It might also be important to clarify something here - quite a few of the comments seem to be assuming that all children are young, unsocialized, little terrors, who intentionally or unintentionally wreak havoc at weddings without fail. That's not always the case.
I know my daughter felt hurt when she was excluded from wedding festivities - one being about 9 years ago, when she was 16. She was hardly an unsocialized little terror at that age - quite capable of handling herself properly. More recently, I received a wedding invitation for myself + guest. I thought perhaps, since the groom was someone who we had both known for many years, that perhaps she was permitted to attend as the guest. Although she was 25 years old, the "no children" clause was still in effect. And as far as those saying children don't belong at the wedding because alcohol is being served, I must ask: do you verify before you go to a restaurant with your children that the restaurant is alcohol-free? People go to restaurants, have a few too many drinks and children see this even at "family friendly" restaurants and diners; chances are, the kids aren't going to be shocked seeing someone a bit tipsy at a wedding. In the end though, it's bride and grooms day to decide who and how they want their wedding to be.

Melanie August 28, 2012 at 01:46 pm

I personally prefer weddings where there aren't children...I've experienced some where they're being swung around on the dance floor, and I end up being kicked by flying children...I guess it's really a matter of preference for the bride and groom. I'd say, don't be offended if your children aren't invited, especially because of the cost of things these days.

Lorbee August 28, 2012 at 02:07 pm

Personally, I never get offended at the wishes of the bridal couple. You have to understand something, that you probably will not unless you've planned a wedding in the last 15 years or so. There is an entire faction that bumps up the guest list when you invite children. Think about it. What's the cutoff? If the family has a 15 yr. old and a 17 yr. old, do you say you are limiting it to adults 16 and older? Then the parent has to figure out what to do with the 15 yr. old that day--and bam, hurt feelings! It also opens up the "significant other" can of worms. If the 18 yr. old has a "steady boyfriend" do you have to invite him too? Also, cousins! Big families like ours have at least 40+ cousins and in some cases, that number would not include their boyfriends, girlfriends & kids! You also can't say one family can bring their well behaved 4 yr old, but the 3 yr old terror belonging to your cousin and her husband cannot come! This is precisely why people are forced to at times place the words "adult wedding and reception" on their invitation. Until you begin getting the tab for what the big bucks production of the bridal industry these days, don't criticize someone who cannot possibly welcome every family member to their wedding! Enjoy not being invited if you are not "immed. family." You'll save alot of money on the multiple shower gifts, the engagement party, the overnight accommodations, the wedding gift, etc. Us that weekend to chill with your honey!

Earnest August 30, 2012 at 11:41 am

Weddings are supposed to be "their day" not everyone else's "should" day.

Susan August 30, 2012 at 02:55 pm

Bottom line: it's up the host, period. Just like any other event. If your kids aren't invited, it's not personal--it's just what the host wants, and then it's up to you as the guest to decide if you want to go, or not. It doesn't matter if your child is well behaved (and indeed, some ARE better behaved than some adults, no question). But that's not the point. It's their party--their rules. End of discussion. (says me anyway!)

Mom of One August 30, 2012 at 06:30 pm

Obviously, it's the choice of the bride and groom as to whether or not they'll invite the children. The cost for weddings today can be quite prohibitive so many choose to have just adults. On the flip side, the cost of a babysitter for extended periods of time can also be quite expensive now too. If adults are invited without children, they shouldn't be insulted. Also, if children aren't invited and the adults choose not to attend due to the cost of a babysitter (on top of the gift, bridal shower gift, engagement gift, etc), the bride and groom shouldn't be offended. Personally, I've seen some very good children at a wedding and sometimes they are quite cute when dancing, etc. I guess I'm lucky I've never experienced some of the horror stories people have put in the comments. You can't assume every child will behave badly. Many children take pride in being invited or in the wedding. How else will they learn about weddings and the etiquette if they can't attend any? I'm in favor of the more family oriented weddings, but that's just a personal choice. Either way, parents who take children to a wedding still need to act like responsible parents. It isn't the other guests' or reception hall workers' responsibility to take care of those children.

Regina DiLabbio Klugh King September 2, 2012 at 04:53 pm

Bless the beasts and the children -- and leave them at home! I recently took my 11-1/2 yr. old granddaughter to a relative's bridal shower (she received her very own invitation!), and she sat there all dressed up like a China doll, bored to tears and playing with her IPod until the gift-opening got underway. She then paraded the freshly opened gifts around to the tables like a model on The Price is Right while her 2-year old cousin (also receiving her own special invite) sat there ala Shirley Temple smiling and cooing. No tables or waitresses were overturned. After all was said and done, I asked Ms. Liz what she thought. Lizzie always has an analytic, highly thought-out comment to make and will make a fine Philadelphia lawyer one day. "So that's what ladies do at bridal showers?" she posed. "Yes." "BORING!" was the reply. She and her bro are not going to the wedding in November (although they were invited). And next year, when the time comes for the next cousin's bridal shower/wedding, we'll be ahead of the game knowing that kids probably don't want to go to these affairs any more than having their adoring parents drag them out like a monkey on a stick to attend!

Shirley September 2, 2012 at 05:00 pm

It should be specified on the wedding invitation. It is the Bride and Groom's Day! What they decide should be adhered to. Personally, if there is an open bar, no kids under the legal drinking age should be invited because once parents start drinking, God knows what they'll say.

Lorbee September 3, 2012 at 01:11 am

Jeffrey, you can't be more wrong. Please do not embarrass a couple by calling them and asking "hey-are my kids invited?" and if you do be prepared for a possible rude answer to your question, e.g., "hey-if your kids were invited it would have been specified on your invitation and said 'and family' or 'and children'!" Don't do that to a bridal couple who already are under enough stress with costs, appointments, details and coordination, trying to tweak the number of guests, the seating arrangements, etc. etc. and now you're going to phone and give them grief if they've limited it to adults?? You said it yourself-if it doesn't specifically say they are invited THEY AREN'T!

Lorbee September 3, 2012 at 01:15 am

Bottom line: weddings are very expensive for both the bride and groom AND the guests!